Embracing 2011 With High Hopes

"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear, and with a (wo)manly heart".

I had such an emotional new year.  In a bar packed with people ten years younger than me I clung to my husband with tears streaming down my face as they announced the arrival of 2011.  I had made it.  I had survived the worst year of my life.  I was so happy to say goodbye. 

I have always used new years as a time of reflection.  Before all this infertility took over my life I would always take an evening before the new year came and reflect on my year and write new goals for the upcoming year.  Lately it seems there is only one goal that I am trying to achieve.  Is it really a goal though if you have no control over it?  If you can only do so much and then the rest is in Gods hands? I was so disappointed in how I handled our miscarriage this year.  It just shook me to my bones.  I don't want to go off my path this year.  I want to handle my disappointments with grace (hopefully I won't have to).  So I did a seperate list of goals if this ivf cycle fails or if we miscarry again.  I had nothing to show for this year.  Just a whole lot of disappointment.  I didn't achieve anything. I didn't work toward anything (other than having a baby).  I can't do that again. I am more than that and there is more than having a baby out there to achieve.

One thing I can say about 2010 is that I learned a whole lot about myself.  My marriage.  My friends and family.  I know how strong I am and that shit happens to everyone.  That you work through things and always come out on the other side.  That as much as I plan my life, things work out the way they work out and sometimes you have no control over it.  I have seen the commitment of my husband as we worked through our grief, first alone and as we began to understand, together.   I went on one of the most amazing family trips to Newfoundland. Watched my mom turn 60, my grandparents will to survive another year.  I survived another school year, our babies due date, 8 pregnancy announcements.  Celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary, my 31st birthday.  I cried more tears this year but i'm sure I had more hugs to. I witnessed the neglect of my spiritual, emotional and physical being as I gasped for air in my darkest moments.  I see a warzone.  But I am happy to say I survived.  I'm okay.  And strangley I'm doing it all over again.  So with tears rolling down my face and my husband by my side I am happy to say goodbye to 2010.  My lessons were learned.

As the new year rang in I had just started my injections.  I had my regulation check up on thursday which was all good.  They told me that I had more follicles this time around.  Which in the end didn't mean much last time as I had 5 follicles last time and ended up with ten eggs which was good.  But it does improve your chances of more eggs.  This time they saw 6 on just one ovary.  We were in the same exam room as when we found out our babies didn't have a heart beat.  It was the first time I had been in there since.  There was a small amount of panic in my heart but we were there with new hope and different reasons. 

I am finding that this time around I am more anxious than ever for my scans.  I go tommorow for my 5 day scan.  I have been cranky all day. This scan will show how i'm responding to the meds.  Which last time was very slow.  I feel different this time.  More guarded.  Like going through the motions with not a lot of emotion put into it.  I am guessing its a defense mechenism.  Don't want to get to close to save your heart from getting hurt again.

I am hoping for a better year, regardless of the outcome.  I am hoping that I can remember who I am in all this mess and feel proud.  I am hoping that my dream of becoming a mother shines and I can close this chapter of my life and essentially never look back.

Happy New Year Everyone.