If your looking for an upbeat read you might as well turn away now as I need to write about my depths of despair. An apology in advance for the dark moments that may proceed within the next month or so.
I am feeling awful. Your heart really can hurt. Like ache. People are tip toeing around me. I know. People I love are newly pregnant and terrified to tell me. People at work are talking about me behind my back. I know all this is because people love me and are worried but the guilt that I hang onto every day is a heavy load. The guilt of not being able to keep it together for my husband, the fact that I just want to get through the day at school, the bad friend who has lost the ability to be happy for her friends who happen to be starting there families with ease, the pregnant co worker who said she was sad she couldn't talk to me about her new baby due in the summer.
I talked to my therapist last night. She has put me off work for the month of February. I had only taken a day after my miscarriage last year and two days after we found out about all this. She thinks I need time. Away from my students and my preggo co worker. She described it as a lake of doom you must swim through to get to a better spot. You have to swim through that lake of doom to get better.
I don't want to.
I want to feel that same person I was 3 years ago before I got married and this all started.
I want to sell my house.
I want to run away.
I want to hide from everyone.
I am tired.
I am exhusted.
I am hurt.
I am angry.
Friday is my last day of work until the 28th. Am I a faliure because I can't figure this out without taking some time away? Does this make me weak? How will my students make out? My students parents?
Two and a half years of this is too much on a persons soul. Everyone is saying you need a break from this but it is so difficult to walk away even for just a little bit.
Just breathe....
Hi there, I'm new to following your blog but just wanted to extend a virtual *hug* your way. Everyone's situations are different, but the pain is real and the same, if not in varying degrees. You are not alone. You will find normalcy again. I had open heart surgery a bit over a year ago at age 25 and never thought I'd feel normal again --- little by little, I am. And you will, too. This infertility culture, this way of life, is too hard and it isn't fair but you will rise above this. You are strong and you will feel normal again. Feel free to follow me at www.infertilemyrtleme.blogspot.com. You will be in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteTeacher...first of all...hugs my friend. I could have written this post a year ago. In no way do I mean that a year from now you will be in a better spot...I sure hope so...in fact I hope sooner. But once I found out that in order to have a baby, my genetics were on the chopping block, I was profoundly devastated. DH and I yelled and screamed we were in so much pain. I was out of control with grief. And always when I came home from work. I didn't take time off work as I was too "proud"...it was the stupidest thing I ever did. Same reasons, how will my students make out without me (mine are all adults), etc. How will industry that employs my students make out without me? I don't know how I got out of bed everyday or how I functioned...actually I do...go to work, come home to a tailspin of immense emotional distress then try to sleep and then dream/nightmares of toddlers waving good bye to me then wake up in extreme/profound grief and despair causing sleep deprivation and then the cycle is repeated only the next day is with less sleep and on and on and on. Without rest, your soul can not heal. It cannot decipher its next steps. What you have lost is equivalent to the loss of a child...I know...perhaps that may be dramatic but for me the grief was incredibly intense and I honestly felt like I could relate to parents that have lost infants as the grief was unbearable. So why not take a few weeks off? I HIGHLY advise that you do. But I do think you need to force some kind of routine...something to get you out of bed...take a hobby class like pottery, start a new work out regimen, anything. Do something you have always wanted to do but never found the time...cook some dishes you thought looked to difficult if you can't get out of the house. That's my only advice...all are forms of what I call escapism but it was those tiny deflections that gave my soul a break. And bit by bit time to heal. Once you get through this intense stage (grief is stages) it does get better. There will be triggers and take you right back to square one but you won't be stuck there forever and such frequences become less and less to the point where the triggers just make you stop and pause. But please take this time for you...don't be a "super hero" like I was last year. It did nothing for me. But one thing to remember at all times...you and Danny are not alone. My DH and I have been there...its awful but honey you two are going to be okay. That I promise.
ReplyDeleteHi Teacher, I have never posted on your blog but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the grief that you are feeling. It really really sux. I got diagnosed with POF at 31 after a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I spent the next 3 years doing everything.. all failed ivfs. I hated that my friends were having children with people they hardly knew, that all friends were having children easily and that I wasn't. I woke up crying I think nearly every day for 6 months. I was sacked from my job because I just didn't care... I was young, fit, healthy, married to a gorgeous man and owned our apartment. WHHHHHHHHy was this happening to me....
ReplyDeleteIt was the worst 3 years of my life and the worst part was i felt like a freak,a failure but I now realize that sadly there are lots of us who have to go through this grief and I honestly do feel like a stronger person now. We also decided to take a year off and go on ammmmmaaaaazing holidays for a year before doing anything and that really helped to step back..
I am now pregnant with DE and we are so happy to be finally having a baby. Whatever and whereever your path takes you I wish you well and strength the next months.