Thursday, June 30, 2011
Iceland Adventure!
Were off to Iceland for a twelve day adventure! First vacation since we got married (since IVF took every last drop of extra cash!) I'll be in touch when we get back! Good luck to all of you in the middle of treatments or waiting the arrival of your little ones! And to all my wonderful friends I may get a little crazy on this trip, nothing like letting loose.....;) Cheers!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Looking in....
I found this on The Pifer Family Blog. Thought it was worth posting. Thanks Tiffany!
I can see my infertility journey within this story......
"There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods. As I approach it, I am smiling. I can see the warm glow from within. There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting. I am drawn to the chateau. Its magical and charming. Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside. I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it. But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside. Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious. But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter. I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try.
There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key. I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time. Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear. I think, “This is it! This MUST be it!” I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau. I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact. I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest. ”This is it!” I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing. Not a click left or right. Nothing.
I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in. In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe, I feel most alone. The rain is picking up and I am glad. This way, they won’t see my tears. I can see most of the women I know inside. They are all there. My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside. I can watch them enjoy the warmth. I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am. If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person. I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been granted entry. I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops. ”Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.
Clearly they want me to enter. Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in. I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me. And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could. But they cannot. I am on the outside looking in. I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t. I just don’t have it in me. My shoulders slump and I shake and sob. For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right. It has become apart of who they are. It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait. Alone."
I can see my infertility journey within this story......
"There is a beautiful chateau in the middle of the woods. As I approach it, I am smiling. I can see the warm glow from within. There’s a chill in the air and it is starting to rain, so the comforting glow is more than a little inviting. I am drawn to the chateau. Its magical and charming. Maybe this time I’ll be allowed inside. I feel the chill in the air deepen and there’s a familiar voice in my head telling me to turn around, that its not worth it. But, if I don’t try to enter, I will never know what awaits for me inside. Don’t misunderstand; I have seen what awaits me. It is glorious. But, for some reason I am not allowed to enter. I have looked through the glass and what I have seen keeps me coming back for just one more try.
There have even been times when I have found what I thought must be the key. I usually stumble upon these keys after I have been searching for quite some time. Just when I think that all hope is lost, a key will appear. I think, “This is it! This MUST be it!” I usually run as quickly as I can to the chateau. I have been waiting to enter for quite some time, for years in fact. I run right up to the front door, I insert the key, my heart is so full of joy and hope that I feel as though it could pound right out of my chest. ”This is it!” I attempt to turn the key, but there is nothing. Not a click left or right. Nothing.
I sit down on the little bench outside of the window and I look in. In these moments, when I was so close, when I’ve allowed myself to believe, I feel most alone. The rain is picking up and I am glad. This way, they won’t see my tears. I can see most of the women I know inside. They are all there. My best friends, my beloved family members, my colleagues, my neighbors, they are all inside. I can watch them enjoy the warmth. I am happy that they get to experience it, of course I am. If I were jealous, that would be ugly of me, and I am not an ugly person. I can observe the glow from afar but, for some reason, I have not been granted entry. I put my hand to the window as I sit and watch, all alone, tears rolling down my cheeks being met by raindrops. ”Why am I not allowed inside?” I don’t understand.
Clearly they want me to enter. Some of them come to the window and put their hands to mine, but we can’t really touch. For I am outside and they are in. I see others holding back the tears in their eyes, trying to be strong for me. And then, there are those who would trade places with me in heartbeat if they could. But they cannot. I am on the outside looking in. I want to scream, to pound on the window and shake the door, but I can’t. I just don’t have it in me. My shoulders slump and I shake and sob. For some unknown reason, I am not permitted to come inside, to experience what seems to be their given right. It has become apart of who they are. It is part of what defines them as women, yet I am forced to sit, and watch, and wonder, and wait. Alone."
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thanks C.!
I got this message on facebook today from my oldest friend who lives in Ontario. It truly is one of the most heartfelt compliments I have ever gotten.
Thanks C. I love you!
"Read your blog. Miss those days!
Dawn + I were talking about your passion + determination. U r inspirational beyond infertility. You r a great fighter. If people could learn a fraction of your power to fight they could change so many things in their lives.
Miss u guys..."
Thanks C. I love you!
"Read your blog. Miss those days!
Dawn + I were talking about your passion + determination. U r inspirational beyond infertility. You r a great fighter. If people could learn a fraction of your power to fight they could change so many things in their lives.
Miss u guys..."
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Before Infertility.....
Today I did a bit of spring cleaning in our spare bedrooms. I pulled out Rubbermaid containers that had been stashed in the back since we moved in two years ago. After dumping the contents on the floor in a quest to organize I found countless photographs’s dating back 10-15 years ago. Many of them in ziplock bags stashed together. My cleaning ended as I travelled back in time.
Things have changed. Like really changed. It wasn’t until I sat and looked at the past that I realized just how much of it has flown by. It got me thinking about what we were like before infertility came into our lives. University days when I was sneaking in the backdoor of Danny’s dorm to spend the night after a late night out on the town, how if I didn’t feel like going to class I could sleep in and going to the gym could happen at any point of the day. It took me back to highschool when I was partying in farmers field’s on a tale gate of some stranger’s truck, how camping was a good getaway from the folks and smoking was cool….even in bars. Responsibility was minimal. Things were so easy and simple.
I am proud of what we have achieved in the last 10-15 years. Despite the inability to get pregnant we have managed to create a warm home with love. Danny and I have successful jobs that we are both good at. We have strong ties with both sides of our families despite the distance between us. But despite all this I still wish for change everyday which is why I feel guilty. I wish I could have a child. I wish we had more money. I wish insurance covered something for treatments. I wish more family and friends could understand what we have gone through. I wish we had our twins back. I wish we didn’t have to deal with this.
As happy as I was in those moments, including our wedding day, I look at them in this moment of my life with sadness. Sadness only because I really had no idea what kind of fight was coming. I know that people fight for so many things and this is our fight right now. This is our “now” and I am really ready for a new “now”.
Things have changed. Like really changed. It wasn’t until I sat and looked at the past that I realized just how much of it has flown by. It got me thinking about what we were like before infertility came into our lives. University days when I was sneaking in the backdoor of Danny’s dorm to spend the night after a late night out on the town, how if I didn’t feel like going to class I could sleep in and going to the gym could happen at any point of the day. It took me back to highschool when I was partying in farmers field’s on a tale gate of some stranger’s truck, how camping was a good getaway from the folks and smoking was cool….even in bars. Responsibility was minimal. Things were so easy and simple.
I am proud of what we have achieved in the last 10-15 years. Despite the inability to get pregnant we have managed to create a warm home with love. Danny and I have successful jobs that we are both good at. We have strong ties with both sides of our families despite the distance between us. But despite all this I still wish for change everyday which is why I feel guilty. I wish I could have a child. I wish we had more money. I wish insurance covered something for treatments. I wish more family and friends could understand what we have gone through. I wish we had our twins back. I wish we didn’t have to deal with this.
As happy as I was in those moments, including our wedding day, I look at them in this moment of my life with sadness. Sadness only because I really had no idea what kind of fight was coming. I know that people fight for so many things and this is our fight right now. This is our “now” and I am really ready for a new “now”.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Appt. with CCRM
Yesterday we had our phone consultation with the doctor in Colorado (CCRM). Dr. Schoolcraft is a polite soft spoken man with little to say. Our conversation lasted 20 minutes with a 250$ price tag attached to it. But it was nice to talk to someone who has such a good reputation and to get a second opinion.
He gave us a 35% chance of success using our own eggs and an 80% chance of success using donor eggs. In all the treatments we have done I only really produced one good egg which gave us our twins. That is it. Stupid body. He deemed us as having a serious case of infertility.
So it’s a go, were doing donor eggs. I have to wrap my head around a lot of things but I’m looking forward to moving ahead and finding some success. Who would of thought.....
He gave us a 35% chance of success using our own eggs and an 80% chance of success using donor eggs. In all the treatments we have done I only really produced one good egg which gave us our twins. That is it. Stupid body. He deemed us as having a serious case of infertility.
So it’s a go, were doing donor eggs. I have to wrap my head around a lot of things but I’m looking forward to moving ahead and finding some success. Who would of thought.....
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