A Little Thing I Call FEAR.....

I can't shake it lately.  I know what if feels like now and I just can't get rid of it since we've started this cycle.  I know the pain and heartache and I just am so scared that I may have to feel it again. 

There are good and bad to having gone through an IVF before and experienced either a failed cycle or a miscarriage.  . 

The good:
Well you know the staff personally.  I address everyone from the secretary to the doctors by their first name.  They know me and greet me.  Its comforting.

You know what to expect.  I know how to mix the meds, administer them.  I know what could go wrong.  I organize my meds in order of use.  I'm not terrified of retrieval or the needles this time.

You get a tax refund (about the only positive financial thing there is ).

I am more educated.  I have read a ton of books on infertility, made so many more connections from an infertility therapist to a support group.

The bad:
Knowing what to expect can haunt you to.  You are no longer naive.  You know what could go wrong and fear it (my biggest hurdle right now).

The money. 

Although I believe knowledge is power it can also be my enemy.  There are so many different theories to increasing your chances of becoming pregnant with ivf.  It seems you can't do much right.

Staying positive.  So much harder the second time around.

What really is the bottom line:   Although I do feel more at ease with the treatment I am terrified.    

The right to have a child....

So many people ask eachother when they "should" have a child.  They plan conception to accommodate their career paths and buy baby necessities before the child is even conceived.  They know that people may not be able to conceive but it won't happen to them. 

But I know that you can't have things the way you want them all the time.  A friend of mine who also has been battling this disease (and yes I will call it a disease) told me that she heard a women respond to a child screaming in Walmart by saying to her boyfriend "remind me to never have children".....like it was a choice.  We just assume we have a choice.  That when the time is right we will conceive a child.  I did everything right, with the naive thought that if you do good in your life good things will be handed back to you.  What I learned is that that is a total load of shit.  It really is a moment in your life when your  stripped of your innocence and you realize that life isen't as it seemed....that those things you hear on the news really could happen to you.  And then fear sets in.     

Fear is an emotion that can demobilizes your entire life.  I mean guilt and sadness are pretty raw too but fear holds on.  It takes a lot of working through to shake the emotion.  No matter how happy you are, you have fear somewhere in your life....from driving on the freeway to death.  Its just the amount of fear you carry with you.  I fear loosing my baby again.  I fear never being able to carry my own child.  I fear having to deal with the disappointment of a failed cycle or the hardship of finances after spending 22 thousand dollars on fertility treatments this year.  I wake up with them and go to sleep with them. 

Guilt tugs on my inner soul much of my day as well.  Remarks from people with variations such as I'm trying to hard, i'm making this too difficult and if I stopped trying it would just happen are heard only as blame on myself for this not working - that it is my fault it is not working.  Someone told me last week to try to enjoy this next IVF cycle.....Enjoy? Like it was a hobby of mine.  I feel more like survive would be a better word. 

My due date came and went on Tuesday.  I let myself think of where I might of been if things had worked out......family visiting, my huge belly, our baby room.  Danny and I wrote 4 words on rocks we found in our yard and tossed them into our pond.  One of my words was "goodbye".   My day one of our next cycle came on Sunday.  I only say goodbye to the pain, the broken dreams and the sadness and embrace the lessons learned as there were so many.  I want to fight this battle.  I want to win and I will. 

I am ready.

Odds and Ends of the month of November

Sorry it has taken me so long to write.  I have been trying to write once a week but with Christmas coming I've been trying hard to get all my parcels out on time this year.
I have a few odds and ends to post today.......
I got an e-mail from mom today.  It said she would fly Danny and I home for Christmas this year.  She missed us and wanted us close for the holidays.  I almost teared up.  One of my biggest mistakes in the past is not allowing myself to go home when I needed the comfort of my family and old friends.  I never gave myself the time that I needed to heal from my loss.  I jumped right back into work, pushing everything away.  Now with our second IVF on the horizon I want to go home.  So i've been spending my day trying to talk danny into it.  Not that he doesn't want to go but I think he was looking forward to relaxing at home during our Christmas break.  I already know it would be far from relaxing.  It would of been a whole lot of work on the house.  Cause that is just what he does.  So we were thinking of going down Dec. 26-30th.  5 days.  Not long enough but still a trip home.  Hopefully!
I got a call late last week from the facilitator of our grievence class asking us to join them for a session on surviving the holidays.  I said no.  I am in a good place right now.  Our day one starts next week and I really don't want to go into a session and dig up all those emotions.  I feel better and grieving is exhusting.  I don't want to go there right now.  Even though our due date is next week.
Our due date is November 30th.....sigh..... Once this is over I feel I can really close the book on this part of our life and open my eyes fully to what is ahead.  This due date is looming and clouding my vision a bit.  Danny asked yesterday at the supper table what I wanted to do for it.  What do you do for it? Dinner? I had no clue.  Did I want to do anything?! Who knows.  We will see. I thought we could do dinner as a celebration of what was and what is to come.  Dinner is easy and I don't want it to be to emotional.  So toasting the future sounded good.
Our dishwasher gave out the other week and we decided to go and get a new one on one of those don't pay for two years.  We came home with a new fridge, stove, dishwasher, microwave and dishwasher.  Ooops...not sure if that was a good idea with all the expenses coming up but it sure felt nice.  My financially obsessed husband (thank god for that cause I sure am not!) has put it all into our budget.  Looking forward to seeing our new appliances....now all I need is a new washer and dryer! (I know don't push it!)
I bought a picture for our bathroom the other day and hung it above the toilet.  It says "Stay Calm and Carry On".  It is my modo for this cycle.  I look at it every morning when I stagger into the bathroom with my eyes half open and remember to be calm and only think of the present.  If I let myself I can get pretty worked up by overwhelming myself with everything. 
I heard a name for a baby girl (if we were ever so lucky) that I just love.  Its the only name that I've ever heard that stuck with me.  Asha and it means "hope".  I love it.  It recognizes our journey as well. And best of all Danny and I agreed on it. 
Anyways, I'm waiting for my period....which should be here next week and our day one starts! Eeek! Nasal spray should begin around the 18th or so.
I'll try a bit harder to post more often. 
Talk soon!

My Co-worker........

My coworker announced this week she was pregnant. 

Good for her.  Bravo.  Congrats.  What I wanted to say was shut up....or something along those lines. 

You see in my line of work my coworker being pregnant could be a bit of an issue.  She isn't in some cubical in our office building, she is in a room the size of my kitchen for 9 hours with me.  I have to stare at her growing belly and hear her talk about her second baby in less than a year with no escape for nine hours.  She is aware of our issues and knows that we will be starting ivf# 2 next month.  But to be honest if you really don't know me, like on a personal level, or have never battled infertility, it is difficult to put yourself there. 

I knew people were thinking of me when she made her announcement.  I know people were even talking about me behind my back.  It is the downfall of working with less than 20 staff.  Everyone knows everything. 

I told danny that I wouldn't go back to work if anything happened like it did before.  I wouldn't be able to stand seeing her considering we will only be 3 mo. apart.  How devastating is that.  The thought makes me sick.  I haven't signed my contract for this exact reason. 

Everyone is telling me to be more positive.  I am having such a hard time with this.  I am so much more cautious.  It is even difficult for me to imagine myself pregnant again.  If all goes well our babies will be born October 14th, my grandfathers birthday.  That has got to mean something doesn't it?

Anyways, I've had a rough week.  I've been a bit obsessive with my new routine and have had some slip ups with both caffeine and alcohol.  With these slip ups comes guilt.  Come on.... with Halloween and a few parties, I slipped.   So I felt really guilty all week and then with the news of my coworker.  This week marks 12 weeks till transfer.    

I pray for positive outlook.  I pray for strength.  I pray for faith and hope.  I pray this works.

Congrats!

So my brother got engaged last week. 
We are all pretty happy! Another wedding to fret about.  They set the date for August 27th.  Great for me.  That means that I'll be home not only for the wedding but for my mom's 61st birthday (can you believe it?!) Although I'm not standing..... i'm sure Drew will involve us somehow.
Drew has changed so much through the years.  He once was a high tempered, unhappy child who couldn't stand having anyone touch him.  Mom said that he was a fussy baby as well.  The memories that I have of Drew while growing up are awkward, temper flaring tantrurms that often involved him becoming physical with me or my youngest brother Todd.  He used bribes or threats to get us to play road hockey or baseball with him.  I can remember having goalie pads strapped to my legs while he slapshoted (is that a real word?) me over and over again with the deal that he'd play my game after.  I can't remember if he ever followed through or not. 
Every sibling has their moments but I would of never thought after 30 years i'd consider him one of my biggest supports or best friend. He listens while I rant about sperm and eggs and masturbation in porno rooms in fertility clinics and needles in my vagina.  If he can't talk when I call I often get a text apologizing and saying he'll call back when he has more time.  The memories we have made as adults have been the ones that I cherish.  I can count on him for anything.  When announcing his engagement he called with many question on hand.  We talked for 1.5, which is long in a man's world.  During the conversation he told me that he knew now that we were going to both have a great year, with his wedding and our pregnancy.
So with this in mind, I am happy for my brother and my soon to be sister in law.  I am looking forward to the wedding ciaos, the last minute details, the big smiles and tears and a great big party at the end of it.   And all this with a great big pregnant belly.           

Powerful Words.....

I had to add this quick post.  I'm reading Judith Uyterlinde's book (again!) My Quest For Motherhood and found this passage.  The words are so powerful. 
"When someone dies, the funeral is a form of mourning that makes it possible for the relatives to share their grief.  You can all take your leave of the body together and afterward share memories of the deceased.  But no one has any memories of our children.  To others, it didn't even exist yet.  It existed only in my belly and in my head.  With a miscarriage there are no rituals, there is no funeral.  With a miscarriage there is nother, absolutely nothing, except for the unwritten law that you bear your loss in silence".
So powerful!

And it begins....sort of.....

IVF #2 is on the horizon .  The naturalpath that I saw during my first IVF has recommended no alcohol, no caffeine, and wants me to start eating better three months prior to IVF.  This week is the beginning of our three months. Due to the success of our first IVF, I trust her.  She also did my acupuncture during our first cycle and will be doing it again for this one.  I have discovered that a lot of these things have turned into "bad" habits.  The glass of wine during dinner, the cup of tea when I wake up and the take out and more take out.  During my pregnancy I put on 15 pounds.  The doctors told me the more weight I put on the better the chances I had of carry them to full term.  So with a smile on my face I dove in.  And when 8 weeks came and I couldn't fit into my pants I patted myself on the back and dove in some more.  It was the first time in my life that I was excited at the sight of the scale rising.  But when I lost the babies the 15 pounds didn't go with them.  In those early months after the miscarriage I could only think of how to heal myself from this rather than how to get this weight off.  So now I sit four months later with that 15 pounds still on those hips of mine and want it gone before I begin IVF #2.   
Bad habits are hard to break.  I mean what is more enjoyable than the right restaurant, with the right atmosphere, with the right food and the right company.  I love to eat out.  But the 1200 calorie meal you would have made at home turns into a 3000 calorie meal or more.  Mmmmm but so good. 
With a great meal comes a great glass of wine.  Some of my most enjoyable evenings are sitting in the kitchen with Danny, making supper and sipping on a glass of wine (or bottle....depending!) and having great conversation.  Goodbye wine.  Hopefully I won't see your face again till next winter.  I also love my tea.  Aren't teachers suppose to drink tea? With there apple in the other hand?  I didn't always drink tea.  My classroom is so chilly in the winter that I needed something warm to get me through the day.  Hot chocolate seemed somewhat inappropriate for so early in the morning (really who would of cared?!) so I began to drink my tea.  I now have an electric kettle in my classroom for those days that I need that urgent cup.  This summer when it was 30+ degrees out I still drank that tea.  Cold beer vs. hot tea in 30 degree weather.....which one would you pick?  I have found some kind of comfort in a hot cup of tea.
The naturalpath is also recommending yoga.  Now I know some of you love yoga and I may to if I went more.  But seriously downward dog? warrior? serpent? What the?  I tried to go to yoga during our first IVF but man.....it was tough.  During the meditation piece I couldn't help but open my eyes just to check everyone else out.  Were they as bored as me? I wanted to feel that exhilaration when your blood is flowing and your heart is pounding.....wrong class.  I tried real hard not to fall asleep while we laid in the dark and the instructor told us to concentrate on our breathing.  I was tiered.  I had worked hard all day.  I didn't care about my breathing.  But i'm going to give downward dog another shot.  A good shot, a three times a week shot.  Hopefully I'll come to enjoy it like my tea, my wine and my eating out.
So it kinda begins.  The prep work.  I know it will be here before I know it.  I know that doing this makes me feel in control when I'm really not.  I'm prepared to let these little pleasures reside on the back burner for now.  And I will enjoy my decafe, my yoga and my fish and rice with a smile. 
I know that I am now ready for part II of this journey. However it may be.....

I've been to three sessions now at the hospital for grieving parents of children in utero and beyond.  These parents have either lost their children while still in the womb or lost them up to 2 months after birth.  It has been very intense.  Each story is unique and each session I have come home in tears.  It basically ruins my Sunday nights.  I almost dropped out.  There are 3 other couples in the session and each one lost there child 20 weeks and beyond.  I didn't feel like I fit in.  I heard the dialog in my head to "get over it".  These families named their child, held their child and a few got to see them breathe air.  I on the other hand only have a profile of two babies on a screen to hold onto.  I have no idea what sex they were.  After speaking to the facilitator she encouraged me to return and reminded me of the reason we were gathering was the loss that we all felt not so much similarities in our stories.  I agree and decided to return.  Sometimes I get so caught up in the grief of infertility that I forget to grieve the loss of my babies.  They say if you don't take the time to grieve you won't be able to move on from it.  I'm trying to face it.  Especially with another invitro right around the corner.
I started work again about 2 weeks ago.  I have a new co worker this year and so far I'm liking her.  She informed me this week that her and her husband will be trying for baby #2 come December.  If anything goes sour with this invitro and my co worker is pregnant....the one I spend 9 hours a day with in a tiny room, i'm not to sure if I can go back to work.  Danny tells me to be more positive.  I say i'm being prepared.  Its heart wrenching and with a company golf tourtment this weekend my only thoughts are on the 3 women that will be there that are only a few weeks off from my due date.  I almost didn't go to that as well.  Danny talked me into it.   
Sometimes when I really think about it I can't believe that we are going through this.  That this is our reality.  Beyond all this I have been feeling the best that I have felt since this has all happened.  I'm not sure if i'm starting to think about invitro #2 now (which will begin in December!) and am getting excited or if i'm starting to come out on the other side of this muddle.  I lost myself for awhile.  Totally.  But it sure feels nice to see the sunshine again even if it is just a few rays!

My Heavy Heart...

New to this.....this was my first post that got lost in my navigation.
We will try this again!

Infertility. This word was foreign to me only two years ago.

I am astonished at how my world revolves around this one word.
My husband danny and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for ten. We met in university and were your typical young hormonal couple. We travelled, partied and really lived life as I wish to live it now. After seven years of dating we finally got married, bought a house with a pool, 2 acres and a pond. We were ready to start trying for a baby.
I am a planner. I have always been but I think it has gotten worse with age. I enjoy planning birthday parties, new years parties, family vacations etc. So when this baby thing wasn't going as planned I was getting frustrated. Within a year we were at the fertility clinic getting tests done. My husband doing his dead countless times in some room where they supply movie and magazine entertainment to assist in the process and me getting poked and prodded inside and out. In the end they determined that at the young age of 30 I was going through early onset menopause. Our only option was to dive into IVF before it was too late. And we did just that. Three months later we had cashed in part of our retirement fund, refinanced our home and was on the IVF train.
IVF is such an emotional experience. I believe for me it was the unknown. The unknown of the outcome and everything else that lead up to it. I read a lot (too much according to my husband) and tried everything from fertility yoga to acupuncture. One shot, I thought. The whole IVF experience makes you question life in general. I saw life on a tv screen before they transferred them. Those beautiful 8 cell embryo's that develop into a baby. It really is amazing. And it worked! We were expecting identical twins! The nurse said in 10 years working at the clinic she had never seen identical twins. I was truly blessed and so excited.
I can't explain the desperation when your told that the children that your expecting are no longer living. That those tiny alien like beings no longer have a heart beat but are still a part of you. I believe that a women becomes a mother when she finds out she is pregnant, a man becomes a father when that child is born. I also had to let go of all my dreams, hopes, fantasies that come along with bringing a new being into this world. For now anyways. I still struggle with this.
So hear I sit two months after my d & c. The same women in body but surly not mind. I have struggled to find a new identity for myself. I am not a mother.....so am I....the women who had infertility problems and miscarried? the crazy lady who hates being around kids? the moody wife who often goes into angry crying fits? Or no the sad unmotivated daughter who always forgets to call (or on my end avoids it) I am all these in some forms. It saddens me because these traits were not associated with me before I went through this. I don't know who I am anymore. All because of my inability to successfully get pregnant. Wow! Now that is power.
Who would of thought one 9 letter word could consume you and strip you of your womanhood in one shot?

Plan, Plan, Plan!!

After a expensive 10 min. meeting with my RE in June we were advised that while we wait to save our money for IVF #2 we should try clomid again and do a few IUI.  Most people try a few IUI's before you jump into IVF.  Our reasoning for not doing IUI before IVF was that each IUI attempt is 300$ with a 60$ purchase of ovulation kits.  The success rates are lower than IVF so we put all our money into IVF in hopes of a better outcome. 
I went back on Clomid in July.  My dosage was higher than last time as well.  During the last 40 days I only ovulated once.  Which created a long drawn out process of waiting for that happy face to appear on the pee stick.  When it finally did after waiting a month and a half we went right to the clinic to do our first IUI.  Unforunately Danny's sample wasn't good enough.  In my desperate attempt, we did it anyways.  A wasted 300$?........maybe.  I was an example of desperation when I called the nurse back in tears explaining that we had waited more than a month for this and how could his sample be bad.  In hopes she had some explanation for our bodies betrayal. 
The procedure is quite simple and only took 10 min. at the most.  I could see why people would be attracted to it. No needles, no blood work, no internal ultrasounds.....its simply a physical.  After they ask you to lay down for twenty minutes....to let everything settle, was her words.  After she left the room, I swung myself up against the wall in hopes that gravity would play a role in fertilization.  Pant less with my legs up against the wall, a wonderful sight if anyone had walked into the room! My hopes are not high right now.
Hubby and me sat down this week to discuss a long term plan.  That is the thing with infertility you always have to be looking ahead.  Which is right down my alley.  We aren't going to do another IUI.  Not because I don't think it is possible but because i'd like to try IVF again in the winter.  So we are on a VERY strict budget in order to save ten thousand dollars by February.  This excites me and saddens me that all our savings are being eaten up by this.  But we get another shot! And I have time this time.  Time to put all my ducks in a line before IVF.  It will all begin again in December. 
Tonight we are headed to an adoption information session.  This appeals to me but the paper trail is 3 years long and then you go on a wait list.  I'm not sure if I'm going to want children anymore once I reach 40.  They gave us a 5-7 year wait time.  Unbelievable.  But I can't close any doors. 
All i'm waiting for is some good luck.  Where are you??