The right to have a child....

So many people ask eachother when they "should" have a child.  They plan conception to accommodate their career paths and buy baby necessities before the child is even conceived.  They know that people may not be able to conceive but it won't happen to them. 

But I know that you can't have things the way you want them all the time.  A friend of mine who also has been battling this disease (and yes I will call it a disease) told me that she heard a women respond to a child screaming in Walmart by saying to her boyfriend "remind me to never have children".....like it was a choice.  We just assume we have a choice.  That when the time is right we will conceive a child.  I did everything right, with the naive thought that if you do good in your life good things will be handed back to you.  What I learned is that that is a total load of shit.  It really is a moment in your life when your  stripped of your innocence and you realize that life isen't as it seemed....that those things you hear on the news really could happen to you.  And then fear sets in.     

Fear is an emotion that can demobilizes your entire life.  I mean guilt and sadness are pretty raw too but fear holds on.  It takes a lot of working through to shake the emotion.  No matter how happy you are, you have fear somewhere in your life....from driving on the freeway to death.  Its just the amount of fear you carry with you.  I fear loosing my baby again.  I fear never being able to carry my own child.  I fear having to deal with the disappointment of a failed cycle or the hardship of finances after spending 22 thousand dollars on fertility treatments this year.  I wake up with them and go to sleep with them. 

Guilt tugs on my inner soul much of my day as well.  Remarks from people with variations such as I'm trying to hard, i'm making this too difficult and if I stopped trying it would just happen are heard only as blame on myself for this not working - that it is my fault it is not working.  Someone told me last week to try to enjoy this next IVF cycle.....Enjoy? Like it was a hobby of mine.  I feel more like survive would be a better word. 

My due date came and went on Tuesday.  I let myself think of where I might of been if things had worked out......family visiting, my huge belly, our baby room.  Danny and I wrote 4 words on rocks we found in our yard and tossed them into our pond.  One of my words was "goodbye".   My day one of our next cycle came on Sunday.  I only say goodbye to the pain, the broken dreams and the sadness and embrace the lessons learned as there were so many.  I want to fight this battle.  I want to win and I will. 

I am ready.