Thoughts on Baby #2...Really?! and a bit more....

I haven’t been good at keeping up with my blog since G. arrived. Our sleep situation has improved drastically and I’m finding that a few hours in the day while she naps is just enough time for me to recharge for the rest of the day. Having a baby who doesn’t sleep well is challenging. Things here are good. Doctors have encouraged us to stop breast feeding so we can begin to start trying for a second baby (insert sigh here). I slowly weaned from nursing and we had our final feed at 5am around 41/2 months. It’s difficult for me to wrap my head around having another baby when I’m just getting comfortable with my new role as a mother. There is no plan. We just cross our fingers and hope that in the next five years we get lucky again. I feel my heart get heavy and the exhaustion begins when I think about temperature taking, herbs, yoga and acupuncture all over again. Feeling that devastation each month when your period arrives. Getting pregnant is only half my fight. Doctors could not determine if my shortened cervix was something I was born with or a result of a kidney infection. I may have to fight to stay pregnant too. And then the fear of loss kicks in. I toyed with the idea of taking my miracle and living my life being a mom to one beautiful little girl who we kicked and screamed to bring into this world but I just don’t feel like I was meant to have one child. A neighbor of mine who is ten years older than me had a difficult time getting pregnant and when she did she discovered that her antibodies attack her husband’s and that in order to sustain a pregnancy they have to have many transfusions and a whole lotta stress. They decided on one baby who they almost lost. Ten years later she regrets that decision and wished she had taken the risk to have one more child. I think about her sometimes and how difficult it must be to live with that regret, to wonder what it would have been like. I want to try for one more. To experience motherhood to two babies, to give my little G. someone she can grow up with. I feel like I am supposed to have more children. This just can’t be it for me. So I’m turning the corner to the dark hole again. This time I think it will be different. I am so busy with little miss G. I won’t be thinking of it as much. I go back to our natural path next month who I seen for 8 months before we had success. She specializes in women who have fertility problems. She reads energies in the body and gives me acupuncture and tells me to do liver cleanses when she feels I need them. So were doing it. But no more treatments. If it happens on its own then I have two blessings if it doesn’t I still have a blessing. Almost two years after we decided to proceed with donor eggs some family members have expressed their disapproval of some of the fundraising that had taken place. Being my overly sensitive and very naive self I was devastated to hear of their disapproval. During the summer of 2011 Danny and I were in the midst of planning our next course of action in the infertility world. Our doctor had recommended donor eggs but we just weren’t sure if that was something we wanted to pursue. With income tax money that we got from our two failed IVF’s we decided to take off to Iceland on a adventure to clear our heads and to heal our souls after three devastating years. Four months later we had made our decision that we were going to go through with donor eggs. We had a bill of 40 thousand dollars coming our way and close friends and some family brainstormed ways to help us out. My mother began knitting. She rented a table at a local craft sale to sell her creations. She also sold tickets on a cooler filled with booze. My supportive mother who fought just as hard as we did. Our good friends who live on the opposite coast and who had conceived twins through IVF decided that they would put together a hockey pool. The winner would win half the pot with the other half going to us. All this hard work generated 1200$. We paid for our lawyer fees, a consultation with CCRM and one flight to Ontario to meet our doctors. Years later some close family members are expressing their disappointment that we went on a Iceland trip and then 6 months later started fundraising. Some say that it was 10% of 40 thousand dollars and it just looked plain bad. I guess some just don’t understand. I was upset. Real upset. Three years of trying for a baby. IUI failure. Two failed IVF’s. A missed miscarriage. Twenty two thousand dollars down the drain. Tons of heartache, tons of disappointment and a total connection loss with the man that I love. I hadn’t bought a thing for myself in three years. Our house had new paint on the walls that was it. I thought we deserved something. I thought our marriage was worth it. So to my surprise two years later this has turned into somewhat of an issue amongst some family. Danny and I decided to briefly address it and then leave it be. I told them that the Iceland trip took place before our decision to go ahead with donor eggs and that we really needed that trip. Danny also reminded them that we had already completed 2 IVF treatments that we were still paying off. It hasn’t been brought up since and I am not saying a word about it again. People organized these fundraisers out of the kindness of their hearts and we are so thankful for these people in our lives. Our little miss G. is doing wonderful. I love this age. She is just starting to come out of her shell and show some personality. She laughs and gives open mouth kisses and puts her tiny little arms around my neck. She smiles when I come in the room and moves her arms and legs erratically when I am near. I love it. She took a pacifier this week and it has made my life a zillion times easier. No more rocking to sleep and no more 2-3 night feeds. I give her a kiss and put her to bed. I feed her once at around 11-12 and any waking after that she takes her soother and quietly goes back to sleep. We had tried and tried to give her a soother as a newborn and she would pop it out of her mouth with her tongue. That reflex is gone and now she is quite content with it. I know it’s a bad habit but right now it is helping her sleep better and that is what matters to me right now. There are so many moments throughout my day that I step back and reflect on this beautiful baby. Simple things like the sound of her cries when she wakes up from a nap. I’ll stop for a minute on my way up to get her and smile at the sound of her whales. When I use the word “mom” in pretense when talking to her (I’m a mom!! I’m actually someone’s mom!!) When I’m on the phone with the doctor and use the term “My daughter”. (I actually have a daughter!) Even doing laundry sometimes makes me stop and smile when I throw those little onsies or sleepers in the wash. After accepting the fact it wasn’t ever going to happen it’s very difficult to accept that it did happen and she is okay. She is alive and so healthy. And we are so lucky