Odds and Ends of the month of November

Sorry it has taken me so long to write.  I have been trying to write once a week but with Christmas coming I've been trying hard to get all my parcels out on time this year.
I have a few odds and ends to post today.......
I got an e-mail from mom today.  It said she would fly Danny and I home for Christmas this year.  She missed us and wanted us close for the holidays.  I almost teared up.  One of my biggest mistakes in the past is not allowing myself to go home when I needed the comfort of my family and old friends.  I never gave myself the time that I needed to heal from my loss.  I jumped right back into work, pushing everything away.  Now with our second IVF on the horizon I want to go home.  So i've been spending my day trying to talk danny into it.  Not that he doesn't want to go but I think he was looking forward to relaxing at home during our Christmas break.  I already know it would be far from relaxing.  It would of been a whole lot of work on the house.  Cause that is just what he does.  So we were thinking of going down Dec. 26-30th.  5 days.  Not long enough but still a trip home.  Hopefully!
I got a call late last week from the facilitator of our grievence class asking us to join them for a session on surviving the holidays.  I said no.  I am in a good place right now.  Our day one starts next week and I really don't want to go into a session and dig up all those emotions.  I feel better and grieving is exhusting.  I don't want to go there right now.  Even though our due date is next week.
Our due date is November 30th.....sigh..... Once this is over I feel I can really close the book on this part of our life and open my eyes fully to what is ahead.  This due date is looming and clouding my vision a bit.  Danny asked yesterday at the supper table what I wanted to do for it.  What do you do for it? Dinner? I had no clue.  Did I want to do anything?! Who knows.  We will see. I thought we could do dinner as a celebration of what was and what is to come.  Dinner is easy and I don't want it to be to emotional.  So toasting the future sounded good.
Our dishwasher gave out the other week and we decided to go and get a new one on one of those don't pay for two years.  We came home with a new fridge, stove, dishwasher, microwave and dishwasher.  Ooops...not sure if that was a good idea with all the expenses coming up but it sure felt nice.  My financially obsessed husband (thank god for that cause I sure am not!) has put it all into our budget.  Looking forward to seeing our new appliances....now all I need is a new washer and dryer! (I know don't push it!)
I bought a picture for our bathroom the other day and hung it above the toilet.  It says "Stay Calm and Carry On".  It is my modo for this cycle.  I look at it every morning when I stagger into the bathroom with my eyes half open and remember to be calm and only think of the present.  If I let myself I can get pretty worked up by overwhelming myself with everything. 
I heard a name for a baby girl (if we were ever so lucky) that I just love.  Its the only name that I've ever heard that stuck with me.  Asha and it means "hope".  I love it.  It recognizes our journey as well. And best of all Danny and I agreed on it. 
Anyways, I'm waiting for my period....which should be here next week and our day one starts! Eeek! Nasal spray should begin around the 18th or so.
I'll try a bit harder to post more often. 
Talk soon!

My Co-worker........

My coworker announced this week she was pregnant. 

Good for her.  Bravo.  Congrats.  What I wanted to say was shut up....or something along those lines. 

You see in my line of work my coworker being pregnant could be a bit of an issue.  She isn't in some cubical in our office building, she is in a room the size of my kitchen for 9 hours with me.  I have to stare at her growing belly and hear her talk about her second baby in less than a year with no escape for nine hours.  She is aware of our issues and knows that we will be starting ivf# 2 next month.  But to be honest if you really don't know me, like on a personal level, or have never battled infertility, it is difficult to put yourself there. 

I knew people were thinking of me when she made her announcement.  I know people were even talking about me behind my back.  It is the downfall of working with less than 20 staff.  Everyone knows everything. 

I told danny that I wouldn't go back to work if anything happened like it did before.  I wouldn't be able to stand seeing her considering we will only be 3 mo. apart.  How devastating is that.  The thought makes me sick.  I haven't signed my contract for this exact reason. 

Everyone is telling me to be more positive.  I am having such a hard time with this.  I am so much more cautious.  It is even difficult for me to imagine myself pregnant again.  If all goes well our babies will be born October 14th, my grandfathers birthday.  That has got to mean something doesn't it?

Anyways, I've had a rough week.  I've been a bit obsessive with my new routine and have had some slip ups with both caffeine and alcohol.  With these slip ups comes guilt.  Come on.... with Halloween and a few parties, I slipped.   So I felt really guilty all week and then with the news of my coworker.  This week marks 12 weeks till transfer.    

I pray for positive outlook.  I pray for strength.  I pray for faith and hope.  I pray this works.