Welcome Mya!

First off I want to say I am so sorry J.
Know that were thinking of you and your family.

So I taught a lecture on Thursday afternoon to 110 first year med students on infertility. I was so nervous. It did help that one of the nurses from the clinic joined me. She did the clinical part of our case and I gave my perspective from the patient's point of view. It went well. Afterwards about 7-8 students came up to me and thanked me which meant a lot since I was taking unpaid time off work to be there. One student even said I changed her point of view. It was a positive experience and I am glad I did it. It did however bring emotions and memories back up to the surface. Feelings that I bury, ignore or just plain refuse to deal with surfaced during my recount of what has happened over the past 2 years. I didn't cry but I felt it again. That horrible ache, that scream of "ITS NOT FAIR" or "WHY US". It was all there afterwards. And then I had a hard time walking away those emotions to carry on with my day. They were strong and they were real. It was a reminder that I'm still healing, that there is still pain and anger. No matter how busy I keep myself it is all still there.

So keeping myself busy is what I have been doing. We went out and brought home a puppy a week ago. I think this must be some kind of therapy for those of us yearning for a baby. There is some joy in laying on the floor with a 8 week old puppy and having your face licked to death. Or having to get up in the mornings with a whining little puppy. Or cat napping with her on the couch on Sunday afternoons. However our big dog is not happy. The vet said it will take a few weeks and I have seen some improvements since we brought her home last week. Her name is Mya and she is a lab cross cocker spaniel.

Welcome to the Chaos Mya!

What are the chances.....

I have been patiently waiting to post my next posting. I want to apologize if my infertility girls read this. I just couldn't help it.

Last year I joined an infertility support group. I tend to deal better by connecting with others who have been through what I have and sharing my story with others. So it felt good to hear that others had gone through the same struggles that we were enduring. It felt good to talk about infertility till I was blue in the face and not feel guilty. It felt good to know they all had your back and you weren't going crazy. We were a group of 5. That is it but it was enough for me. Their strength inspired me. In knew through them that it was all okay and we'd get through it.

So this fall and winter all five of us went through treatments. Some had a frozen egg transfer, some did IVF and some a IUI. There was more than one treatment done by many of the girls. It took 6 month for the entire group to become pregnant except me. What are the chances of that?! That every woman in my infertility support group is pregnant but me. When does that ever happen? I am so happy and proud of them but I can't help but be a little stunned. Really?! Seriously?! All of them but me?

On the same note, I have a love hate relationship happening with Facebook these days. Living away from all my family and many of my dearest friends Facebook has given me the opportunity to connect with everyone on a consistent basis. I see pictures of friends and events that I can't attend and I have been able to connect with people that I haven't heard from or seen in years but it is almost always where I read the pregnancy announcements, where I see those beautiful newborn pictures or where I get the baby shower invites. I hate it! But I love it! I have sat countless times infront of my e-mail reading heartfelt e-mails from friends who are worried about me, who are going through the same thing as us or just the simple "I miss you" notes. But I have also sat infront of that computer reading wall posts of congrats, of status posts of "welcoming our newest addition", of baby showers pictures that I refused to attend. My computer is where I found out that all the girls from my infertility group are expecting, where I found out an old friend from home had a successful IUI on her first try and that 5 of my friends are expecting their first or second baby, many of them "lapping" me as we struggle for our first. And for some reason I just have to know. I can't walk away from the computer. I write my congrats and I may crack a smile infront of my computer screen but there is always a ache, a ping of jealousy, a thought "why can't that be me". I can't control it. I feel guilty for feeling it. For that I am so sorry to those I love who are living their dream. I am so very happy for you. It's just hard for me right now.