Today I did a bit of spring cleaning in our spare bedrooms. I pulled out Rubbermaid containers that had been stashed in the back since we moved in two years ago. After dumping the contents on the floor in a quest to organize I found countless photographs’s dating back 10-15 years ago. Many of them in ziplock bags stashed together. My cleaning ended as I travelled back in time.
Things have changed. Like really changed. It wasn’t until I sat and looked at the past that I realized just how much of it has flown by. It got me thinking about what we were like before infertility came into our lives. University days when I was sneaking in the backdoor of Danny’s dorm to spend the night after a late night out on the town, how if I didn’t feel like going to class I could sleep in and going to the gym could happen at any point of the day. It took me back to highschool when I was partying in farmers field’s on a tale gate of some stranger’s truck, how camping was a good getaway from the folks and smoking was cool….even in bars. Responsibility was minimal. Things were so easy and simple.
I am proud of what we have achieved in the last 10-15 years. Despite the inability to get pregnant we have managed to create a warm home with love. Danny and I have successful jobs that we are both good at. We have strong ties with both sides of our families despite the distance between us. But despite all this I still wish for change everyday which is why I feel guilty. I wish I could have a child. I wish we had more money. I wish insurance covered something for treatments. I wish more family and friends could understand what we have gone through. I wish we had our twins back. I wish we didn’t have to deal with this.
As happy as I was in those moments, including our wedding day, I look at them in this moment of my life with sadness. Sadness only because I really had no idea what kind of fight was coming. I know that people fight for so many things and this is our fight right now. This is our “now” and I am really ready for a new “now”.
Hey Teacher. Your post takes me back to the same frolics and frivoloties of my younger days too...very similar to yours! Weren't those bush parties the best?! And sneaking into future DH's bed at night?! Ah the days...
ReplyDeleteI often look at our wedding photo and say to myself "Girl, you have no idea whats ahead of you." So I know exactly what you mean. Hang in there Teacher...I don't know how your IF journey will end but just know that I'll be with you every step of the way.