Day 12

Today I was a wreck.....
I thought I was good.  I had had a nice weekend with Danny and friends and was able to put IVF out of my head for awhile. 

Then I went in today.....

When the nurses saw me they gave me a hug with pity in their eyes and said they were sorry. 

Wait a minute sorry for what? We were still in an active treatment cycle.  Had something happened and they forgot to inform me?

The nurses talked about donor eggs with me and told me if my levels didn't rise to 1500 it was over.  They told me this is how a women in her late 30's, early 40's would respond to IVF. 

None of the staff told me it was okay.  None of the staff told me to hang in there.  None of the staff told me that anything was possible.  Instead I got a hug, an apology and a deep look of pity. 
 
I got into my car and became hysterical.  You know what I mean.  The kind of emotional spew that involves tears the size of your eyeballs and moans and muffles that you just can't keep quiet with your nose running the whole time.
I think I got overwhelmed with trying to keep it together.  With all this waiting. 
I went to work and within a hour I had called in a sub.  I have a wonderful sub who knows our troubles and has been such a support for me.  Even at home little tears would escape once in awhile.

The clinic was late calling me today. I was driving myself crazy. When they did call they told me my levels rose to 3000.  This was a good sign and retrieval should be on Friday.  Oh my god.  What was all this talk of donor eggs? Why have half my team thrown in the towel already?
The relief was overwhelming. 
We made it through another scan. Next one is Wednesday to see if were ready for retrieval.
Thank god.