Moments

This blog has been a life saver.  Not only have a met some wonderful people here who have also had a story to tell, I have been able to reach out to so many of my friends and family.  Like taking a glimpse into my journal.  Thank you for your support. The cards, letters, e-mails, phone calls, comments, text messages are so appreciated. 

Moments hit me in the face like a slap.  This weekend was so busy. I embraced the chaos. I was standing in a four plex arena watching my husband play hockey while children zoomed up and down.  While mothers pushed strollers and babies were wrapped tight in blankets. While women walked through the viewing area with swollen bellies.  While three year olds skated up and down the ice with their over sized jersey’s on.  While Dads were coaching.  I couldn’t breathe.  I imaged myself drowning.  That the only thing above the water was my mouth.  My eyes were clouded over with the sting of tears and I couldn’t do it.  Who would of thought? I work with children every day.  I have neighborhood children over to the house almost every weekend to skate on our pond but I couldn’t stand in an arena and watch my husband play hockey.    As I waited for Danny to come out of the dressing room I knew this couldn’t be my life.  That we were supposed to be like the rest of the families I see.  Danny on the ice coaching our son.  Me pushing the stroller around with a baby wrapped tight in a blanket.  With a swollen belly.  My mother tagging along to help with the kids.  The chaos of busy schedules.  Swimming, skating, hockey, soccer, music lessons, ballet.  That was suppose to be my life.  Christmas chaos with Santa and travelling with screaming children.   Easter bunny visits with new spring dresses.  Weekend exhaustion from birthday parties, play dates and day trips.  And most of all “I love you mom”.  

Instead I have been lost in a darkness searching for that life that I am suppose to be living.  I am screaming out to that baby somewhere out there and we just can’t seem to find eachother right now.  I see that baby, I hear that baby and sometimes I can feel that baby.

 I sometimes think of that moment when we will find eachother.  When I can keep that baby and begin living that life I am suppose to live.  What a moment that will be.