Day 10 bedrest

Sorry for the few day late response. Days flow together pretty quickly here. So does time. Our ultrasound confirmed no change in a week. The cervix on the ultrasound screen looked like a zipper undoing from the inside. The bottom was closed with no dialation but the top was split wide open. Doctor said that with what he seen today and with the thought in mind that things could change any day he would give us a 60 percent chance of making it to 30 weeks and 20 percent chance of making it any farther than that. Ive been feeling pretty yucky to be honest. Food just doesnt digest right when your laying horizontal all the time. Ive been on a ton of different drugs to get my plumming moving. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. Its not the bed rest that kills me as much as the inability to leave my room. They wont let danny wheel me out. I must stay horizontal. My showers are only 3-5 min long. I get excited when 5 pm rolls around cause I know I can go to bed soon. We have named our little miracle. I havent totally decided on a middle name but her name is Grace. She is moving a lot more and im feeling so many different sensations. Im not sure if I was feeling all those sensations before and was just so busy I didnt notice or that she is getting bigger, stronger and more active. I was able to capture a few moments of her kicking on video yesterday. How am I 'really' feeling many of you asked..... Honestly terrified. Im scared of whats to come. A nicu baby and all the worry and insecurity. The labour and delivery of a premature baby. If I think real hard im not sure how I will handle it all. Its all so scary. With the goal being only to bring Grace into the world healthy and safetly, I cant help but feel sadness. A teeny tiny bit of selfishness creeps in when I think of what has been robbed from me again. There is guilt for feeling sadness toward things that dont matter in the end. We had to cancel my shower that was booked for May 27th. A shower that will never be. I had a consultation the first week of June with our photographer on pregnancy photos that will never be. Prenatal classes were cancelled. Dog training for a new baby has been pushed aside. 3 days before I was admitted, at the gas station a random women said conrats to me. Confirmation that I looked pregnant. People were noticing without knowing. All those weeks of walking around pushing my belly out didnt have to be anymore. I looked pregnant! Little things such as these that have been a dream, only imagined for four years were becoming my reality. I once again will tuck them away into my dream world deep inside my mind. As I know life is not how you imagine it! June 1st is my first goal. That will take us to 29 weeks. I will silently let out a bit of air that ive been holding once we reach that milestone...although the doctor tells me at this stage everyday is a milestone. Mom is flying in on Wednesday to help out. If she comes Danny can spend more time here with me. Hes been a bit overwhelmed with this, work, 2 dogs and a charity fundraiser he's in charge of. Mya our year old lab was left to long alone the other day and chewed a hole in our couch and ripped the stuffing out. Moms arrival will ensure the house will stay in one peice, my dogs will get the excercise they need and danny can be a bit more involved. I am looking forward to her coming despite her emotional outbursts over the last 10 days since I have been on bedrest. She denies her basketcase behaviour. I beg to differ. Crying, words of panic, asking me the same questions over and over again just reminds me how my mother will never be invited into the delivery room with me. I will do better keeping you all posted my friends. Thanks again for the support and keep us in your thoughts! PS- sorry for any spelling errors etc. writing from an i pad laying down is a bit of a challenge!