Naturalpath Visit

Last week was my first visit with my new natural path. I had a hard time finding her office as it is located in a dark alley way behind her house. Nervous I walked down into a shadowy tunnel made of concrete. Once I opened the office door I felt the warmth of her yellow walls and the smell of incent burning somewhere. Dr. Sheehy came out of her office with a smile on her face and an extended hand. She is a middle age women with a slight touch of makeup on. The kind of woman you imagine making cookies with her grandkids or singing soft lullaby’s to her grandkids at night. I instantly liked her. She takes me to a back room and asks me to tell her my story. I want to plead with her to get me pregnant. As if just begging would work. I want to make her understand how hard this has been for us and how much I want it to be over. But instead I put a smile on my face and tell her the short version of what we have clawed our way through these last three years.

She tells me she practices Chinese medicine and has had very high success rates with infertility. She says that many of her patients have come to her with multiple miscarriages and she has been able help them carry a baby to full term. I plead with my eyes. She opens a file full of vials of liquids. The vials are labeled “kidney”, “liver”, “FSH”, “Estrogen” etc… I hold each one in my hand while she has my other hand. Her eyes are closed. She tells me that I have antibodies that kill off Danny’s sperm before they even get a chance to fertilize. I wonder how the hell she can tell me that just by me holding some liquid. She spins me around on an office chair with no back and runs a “massager” up and down my spine. She tells me my body is telling her it’s not going to ovulate this month and that we need to do acupuncture right away. I follow her out of the office to a dim lit room with a heated bed. It reminds me of a spa and is quite pleasant. I lay in the heated bed with acupuncture for half an hour. I leave with a 70$ bill and re found hope that maybe we won’t have to do a donor cycle. That maybe this lady can help me. When I tell Danny he laughs. He thinks it is a waste of money. I on the other hand am desperate and even if I don’t understand, I still find hope that she has answers. I go back Thursday for a “bio energy reading”. I don’t understand this either…..something about reading the energy levels in your body and then treating it so you can find balance. She also tells me she thinks I should do yoga again…(sigh…not a big fan). I will though. I’ll go Wednesday and Saturdays like I did for our first IVF.

On Easter the kids are having a neighborhood egg hunt across the street. I happen to be out doing gardening. I come inside and peer out the window and watch the mother’s congress together in the driveway while the children run around with their baskets. I hear children yelling for their mothers “look mommy!” Or “mommy watch” while they run through the tunnels that this neighbor has set up for fun. I scowl at the scene. If Danny seen me he’d say that I was being ungrateful for what other have. But he really just doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get the maternal drive that I have. Instead of going on egg hunts I buy my two dogs and sister in laws dog treats and my husband mini eggs and make Easter dinner for my sister in law and her husband. All four of us are struggling with infertility and not necessarily together. We have a nice dinner together. Later in the evening with a tea in my hand I sit in our office and watch the sunset. I am thinking that this Easter we would have had four month old twins. That even though I’m “better” I’m still sad. And that I’ve looked in every dark corner to find a way to get out of this and it’s still dark. Better but not gone. I also wonder what mother’s day will be like this year. Mother’s day not only marks our failures of trying to conceive our family but also a year since our D and C. I go to bed shortly after 9 and Danny senses my mood. I sigh and say nothing is wrong. He knows, hugs me tight and kisses my forehead. “Sweet Dreams” he whispers and a tear rolls down my face.