I'm back....

I have decided to show my face again and begin with a new story that has started to unfold.

I have missed all your support and am looking forward to catching up with all of you.

Over the last two months Danny and I have enjoyed our solitude. We took a weekend getaway to Moncton, New Brunswick for Thanksgiving weekend. We had a blast. The weather here was amazing. We drank wine on a patio in 27 degree, went out dancing till 3am and didn’t get out of bed till after 12 the whole weekend. It was just what we needed. A breath of fresh air.
Our 3rd wedding anniversary was on September 28th. We went to our favorite restaurant where we had celebrated our pregnancy with the twins, Danny’s new job and every anniversary in the last three years. We called in sick the next day and laid in bed, watched movies and I enjoyed my first breakfast in bed in years.

That day we also decided that it was time to take a look at the donor egg cycle, talk to the nurses at CCRM and figure out how this was all going to work. I did just that. What wonderful people they are.
We began fundraisers to raise money for the cycle. In hopes of getting enough money to pay for our flights and accommodations while in Colorado. Family and friends helped us raise over 1500 dollars. I was crying when my friend from BC called to tell me the final total on the hockey pool fundraiser that she had organized

And then in the beginning of October we got a call that changed everything…..

In the first part of October a woman called us. She is a friend of someone I went to university with years ago. She told me that her and her husband would like to help us. That she would like to be our donor.
Now….. I was cautious, so cautious. We talked on the phone for a long time that night. A week later we talked again. She was still interested. We began texting and e-mailing regularly. Soon I was picking a clinic in Ontario, setting up testing days for both of us, talking to my family doctor and her to hers. And now we are flying to Ontario November 11-16 to meet the doctor and sign consent forms for a cycle to begin in January and a transfer for March.

When I think hard about what we are doing, I get scared. Real scared. Mostly scared that we are entering that world again. The world where I have seen so much darkness and pain. I know that feeling and I don’t’ want to go back there. I’m not saying that I don’t see that darkness sometimes in my world now but that darkness isn’t nearly as thick as it was last year in the midst of all my pain and anger. If this doesn’t work I know I will go back there. This is our last shot. We’ve decided that. If this doesn’t work we will accept that we will be childless. I am scared.

But there is light. I see it and feel it. Danny took out my old maternity clothes that were stashed away in bags in our shed. I washed them and stuck them on a top shelf in my closet. I imagine myself pregnant again. I feel hope and man it feels good.

So in the midst of my fear and my hope I am imagining an ending to this nightmare and a dream that I have carried since I was a little girl become my reality.